I shared with you last year how I win the battle against holiday depression, and this year my strategy is similar. However, this year I’ve discovered something that transformed me. It was that when confronted with these painful feelings from the past that made me afraid to feel, eventually I had two options. I could either be forced to feel or I could be free to feel.
Afraid To Feel
Terrible things happen all of the time, but for some reason terrible things are more terriblyer if they happen around Christmas. Actually, they can even happen no where near Christmas, but you better believe when you remember them around Christmas, they are just as terriblyer ( I should stop trying to make this a word). So I am just going to use Christmas as the example.
A confession. At Christmas, I’m afraid of feeling inadequate. So to cover it up, I do everything I can to not feel that way, because honestly, it feels terrible. Here’s a list below of the things I do or am tempted to do because I feel inadequate but I don’t want to feel that way.
- I overspend on gifts
- I work more
- I binge eat
- I play more games so I can live in a fantasy world
- I drink more
- I force extra holiday traditions on my family
- I obliterate my Christmas expectations and the self fulfill the prophesy
So it seems that when I’m afraid to feel, I will do anything I can to escape or suppress the feeling. Eventually, if I don’t give myself the freedom to feel, then I will be forced to feel.
Forced to Feel
There’s this thing with feelings. They have to be felt. Let me say it again. Feelings HAVE to be felt. So for me this Christmas, it’s feeling inadequate. But it could just as easily be sadness, grief, loneliness, feeling overwhelmed, financial pressure, guilt, etc.
I’ve papered over these things before, only to have my world rocked, and in a moment be forced to feel. Let me tell you a story.
A Christmas Carol Nightmare
A few years ago, I was afraid of feeling inadequate. I was also afraid of feeling lonely and sad. On the surface, I was buying my family tickets to go see a Christmas Carol, but underneath I was hiding, and it was dark.
Just before the show I got a call from my mom. She had to cancel. I now had two extra tickets and the evening felt “less” because less of my family would be there. I was afraid to feel angry and disappointed, so instead I said it was ok, and said I was ok.
Then we get to the theater and Kristin and I are fighting in the car in the parking lot over something stupid. This was literally the only thing I wanted all Christmas, and it’s all coming apart. But, it’s ok. We head inside and wait.
The Show is Starting
The show is starting and Jackson is getting cranky, because it’s past his bedtime. Now he won’t be quiet about how tired he is. “Just sit up and enjoy the show!” I snapped at him. Oh, and now Kristin is holding him like a baby. “Let him sit up like a big kid, he’s not a baby! And ignore him and just enjoy the show” I snapped at Kristin.
I sat in my seat “enjoying the show” while simultaneously enjoying my wife and child “enjoy the show” while not enjoying the show.
It was now intermission. No one is enjoying anything and I’m just done. We are leaving. Abruptly, I grab Jackson and start walking to the car. I barely wait for Kristin and the moment she gets in we drive home.
I’m Being Forced to Feel
“I can’t even provide a nice evening for my family…..I’m so angry my family is not here with me…….I feel so alone.” And there it is. I’m being forced to feel. I’m being forced to feel and I don’t like it. I seethe on the car ride home and then I blow up.
I yell at both my wife and son ferociously. Everyone’s crying. And when we get home and get ready to get out of the car my son calls me a monster. Yes, he actually called me a monster, and I was.
We cancelled plans we had with friends (our friendship never recovered), and I spent Christmas with Jackson, but without my wife. Our Christmas didn’t really survive, and my marriage almost didn’t survive.
Thankfully, God is patient and gracious. Our marriage survived, because I started to learn how to be free to feel.
Free to Feel
While being forced to feel can often end up with an awful mess, a better way is to be free to feel. Here’s what I mean. Part of the All Around Life is the fullness of the experiences of life. This comes with a lot of different feelings; good, bad, ugly, indifferent. Feelings are meant to be felt as they are.
So, if I’m feeling inadequate, I can feel inadequate. I sit with it and let it work its way through my body, mind, and soul. When it is done, it’s done. If it’s grief, then grieve what is lost. Spend time with your grief. Cry, remember, mourn, laugh. When grief is done, it’s done.
Feelings, I believe, are sometimes never really gone. But they come and go, as they say, and they have their moment, and then they are done.
One of the great things about giving yourself the freedom to feel is that unlike being forced to feel, where the timing is often forced upon you, the freedom to feel allows you to pick the time. “Oh, hello, loneliness. I’m sorry, you wanted to feel lonely right now? I can’t, I’m out enjoying time with friends. Tell you what, let’s set aside some time this weekend to get together. Ok great, see you then.”
I know, it seems impossible to be able to think that you could just pause a feeling like that. I promise you that you can do it with practice, just as long as you faithfully return to it later. Also, nothing says you can’t sit with the feeling the moment you are aware of it.
Sometimes feelings can be a bit much to process on your own. We were designed as humans to do life in community. I encourage you to sit with a friend, mentor, or coach/counselor to process.
Conclusion
The point is that when you free yourself to feel, you get more freedoms in feelings. Feelings help shape and mold us. They are in many ways what make us human. Don’t be afraid to feel, even the bad ones. Being forced to feel can often lead to destruction, being free to feel can lead to a great All Around Life.