Depression

Depression is something I fight with every holiday season.  It usually hits early December and lasts through Christmas.  He’s a sneaky fella, that’s for sure.  Most year’s I forget completely about him, until he strikes.  Well, it’s less of a strike and more of an envelopment.  He comes around and swallows me up.  Do you deal with him?

How does he make you feel?  It’s tough for me to explain what it does for me because it’s such a complex thing.  My breathing is stuttered and I find myself trying to constantly catch my breath.  Nostalgia shows itself, because some time in the past is always better than how things are now.  Stupid depression.  I’m easily overwhelmed with small tasks.  My decision making is slowed, and I stare at nothing while at the same time staring into my own soul.

Why am I so sad?  Why the hell am I dealing with this AGAIN?  It literally happens EVERY year, and yet I never seem to be ready for it.  Why is that?

The Unknown Loss

When things happen in your life, and you lose something, it can seem so obvious what you lose in that moment.  Over time, it can be of some comfort to point at it, see what it was, and move on.  What they don’t tell you is that the loss has only just begun.  You will continue to lose in unknown ways, and sometimes, these ways only reveal themselves to you at the moments that they happen.

No one tells you that you lose a part of every Christmas, every year.  No one tells you that the large family photo on a Christmas card you receive from a friend will hurt you this much.  No one tells you the pain of not being able to buy a present for an unborn nephew.  No one tells you that you would wish you could provide more for your child but you just aren’t able.  No one tells you just how much you truly lost.

My parents divorced when I was young and I lost.  My mom and stepdad divorced when I was in college, and I lost.  I lost when my sister passed away in a car accident.  I lost when my brother went to prison.  I got divorced, and I lost.  And on and on, the losses stack.

Togetherness

And so every Holiday season, I don’t get the one thing that I desire most at this time of year.  Togetherness.  It will never happen, no matter how hard I try or how much effort I put forth.

One year I drove to San Antonio to see my Dad and my family down there, and my brother Chris went as well.  For some reason that I can’t remember, Chris drove back to Atlanta right before Christmas.  I had a decision to make.  Would I stay in San Antonio, or would I drive back.  I had to make a choice and in either choice I made, I would lose.  Eventually I decided to drive 15 hours back to Atlanta to be with my brother, because I didn’t want him to be alone on Christmas day.  I got to spend time with him, but I missed out on time with my Dad.

Read about my Christmas Miracle here, Magical To Miracle – My Christmas Story.

The Attack

Every year the depression is different, which is the main reason I can’t really prepare for it.  When depression begins to swallow, he also whispers his intent, he never yells, so I have to pay close attention.  One thing it seems to whisper most is “You are alone.’  The thing I cherish most, togetherness, is what depression brutally uses to attack.

“You are alone.”  “You aren’t worth it.”  “You don’t deserve to be loved.”  “You can’t do this again.”  “You don’t matter.”  “You are why everyone left”  “You are worse than before.”  “You failed again.” You, you, you, you you youyouyouyoyuoyuoyuyoyoyou. STOP!

You don’t get to torment at your leisure anymore, stupid depression.  I’ve learned to fight back, and I know how to win.

Winning Against Depression

I’m not a psychologist or a professional depression expert.  I’m just me.   I can only really share what works for me and maybe it can help you too.  If you battle depression, and my stuff doesn’t work for you, I highly recommend seeking help from a pro.  Honestly, it’s what I do on a regular basis to better equip me to win.

Generosity

Like I said before, each time it’s different, so I have to do different things every year, but generally I do the following.  With so much attention on me, and depression pointing the finger, I get outside of myself and put the attention on someone else.  So I serve others.  I find any way I can to get out and serve.  How can I help someone else during this season?  What do other need?  Depression wants me to focus inward, but Generosity looks outward.

Creativity

I also get creative by journaling, writing down my thoughts and prayers.  I play music, usually on guitar, but sometimes I will just sing.  Christmas music is my JAM, so you may hear me singing it quite a bit this time of year.  I paint or draw; anything to get whatever is inside of me out.  Again, creativity is an outward expression.  Creativity gives to others, it does not take for itself.

I get alone.  This may seem counter-intuitive, but it really helps me.  So much busyness in this season, that your depression can isolate you from others.  But it can’t isolate you if take time away on purpose, and for a purpose.  That purpose is to know fully who I am at this time, and to know the truth so that depression’s lies can’t take me out.  And I’m not alone for alone’s sake, I am alone in order to be together with others.

Thankfulness

Lastly, be thankful.  I am so thankful for what I DO have and what I DO get to experience.  Depression wants you to wallow in the lost and missing.  When we do that, it only makes us lose more.  We lose the here and now, and others lose our presence.  If we are thankful, and those around us are thankful, then we are all present, sharing the present of our presence, and in that we have togetherness.