My Rejection Of God, My Salvation, My Fall, And My Redemption

I’ve held off on writing this for a little while, because I felt it appropriate to write it closer to Easter.  It’s a four part series of blogs detailing some of the major milestones of my faith journey.  It’s a little scary to write so openly about this, but again, I did promise to you that I would be open and honest.

Before I go any further, I feel like I need to make it clear that The All Around Life is not a christian or religious blog.  However, because I am a christian and my faith is so much a part of my story, it would be inauthentic to hide it in the things that I write.  The All Around Life is a blog about the human experience through all of it’s ups and downs and focuses on stories, primarily mine, but hopefully soon, others’ stories as well (hint, hint).

So now that my silly disclaimer is behind us, let’s dive in to part 1.  My Rejection Of God.

Part 1 – My Rejection Of God

“No, it’s not for me.” This was my declaration against faith.

The Bible Study and The Basement

The year is 1996.  I am 19 years old and out of my first year in college at Georgia Tech.  My friend, Wes, invited me to a bible study at his house.  I mean, sure, I’ll go.  I have an idea about God and Jesus and Easter and stuff.  I believe all of that happened, and since Wes is my friend and it’s at his house, I think it would be fun to hang out.

Truthfully, I’m already hanging out at Wes’s house quite a bit any way.  We didn’t really know each other in high school, but we started hanging out, through mutual friends, over the summer.   His girlfriend thought it would be a good idea to go to freshman orientation together at Tech.  So we went and became friends throughout the school year.

We were hanging out in his basement, playing pool and listening to The Smashing Pumpkins.  We talked about all sorts of things and he even began teaching me to play guitar.  I wanted to learn, because all the ladies love a guitar player *wink wink*.  Wes asked me lots of questions about faith and things that I believed.  I mostly didn’t know what I believed except for maybe some simple things.  I had more questions than answers, that’s for sure.  He wasn’t pushy and always listened to what I had to say so I didn’t mind sharing.

The bible study for the summer was on Song of Solomon.  The Song of Solomon is a series of poems sung to one another by a lover and a beloved.  It is very intimate and colorful and at times sexually graphic.  It was an interesting topic of discussion for a college bible study, but I was hooked.  I had heard the Easter story before, but I had NEVER heard anything like this.  How could this be in the bible?

Lonely

I put up a good front, but I am desperately lonely, starved for intimacy.  I love my family deeply, but like a lot of families we tend to go our separate ways and do our own thing, so there isn’t much intimacy.  I tried the girlfriend thing, but 99% of females won’t give me the time of day, and the 1% that will completely friendzone me.  I turn many times to pornography to satisfy the void in my soul, but that’s always unfulfilling.

I am unloved. Maybe I’m worse than that. Unlovable.  Worthless.  Unwanted.  I contemplated suicide once or twice, but never took any action.

Song Of Solomon

Young Man

Like a lily among thistles
    is my darling among young women

Young Woman

Like the finest apple tree in the orchard
    is my lover among other young men.

These verses and others like it are rain to my parched desert soul.  These two lovers singing over one another in ways so intimate and meaningful.  This was a deep soul satisfying love, not a cheap and shallow infatuation.  THIS was the love I have been yearning for!  I’m a fairly intelligent guy, and so I connected the dots that the lover and his beloved were a metaphor for God and his beloved.  And that beloved was me.

Young Man

You are my private garden, my treasure, my bride,
    a secluded spring, a hidden fountain.
Your thighs shelter a paradise of pomegranates
    with rare spices—

Young Woman

Awake, north wind!
    Rise up, south wind!
Blow on my garden
    and spread its fragrance all around.
Come into your garden, my love;
    taste its finest fruits.

The Gospel and My Rejection

I sat with this, week after week, all throughout the summer.  Wes continued to ask me questions, until one day his demeanor turned.  Something was on his mind and he was almost bursting to share it.  He shared with me that God loves me and that I’ve sinned and been separated from him.  He said that if I believed in my heart that Jesus was crucified on the cross for my sins, and that on the third day he rose from the grave, and that if I asked for forgiveness of my sins and turned away from them, I would be saved and have eternal life with God.

I understood what this meant, but my logical brain had way too many logical questions that I just needed to have answered.  What is heaven?  What is hell?  Why do bad things happen?  I’m sure I had more.  So Wes asked me if I wanted to have dinner with the college pastor, Tommy, to see if I could get all of my questions answered.  I was up for it, so the next week we all met up at Chilis.

At Chilis, I asked all of my questions.  Tommy was patient and answered each one thoroughly and in a way that was very non-judgmental.  At the end of our dinner, after all of my questions had been answered to my satisfaction, Tommy presented the gospel to me again.  When he was finished, he asked me if this was something that I wanted to do.

I sat for a moment and thought through everything that had happened that summer, all of the talks I had with Wes, and all of my questions that I just had answered.  I turned to Wes and then to Tommy and said, “No, it’s not for me.”  In my heart, despite the soul level satisfaction I had tasted, my answer, not to Tommy and Wes, but to God, was “No”.

I drove home in silence that night.  No radio.  I was sad to disappoint Wes, but I knew what was in my heart.

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