Redemption
My fall went all the way to the bottom. It was time for me to die, and God my executioner put me to death, but only the parts of me that stood in the way of a relationship with him. I was, in fact, more than one Tony. There was an old Tony formed by the world, and a new Tony, now being formed by God. It was time for my redemption.
The Godly things in my life, however, were un-exercised, and terribly out of shape. God had a plan for my life, and his first order of business was for me to now work out my salvation with fear and trembling. Trying hard to live the life God called me to was no longer going to cut it. It was now time for training hard.
This blog is part 4 in a series of blogs leading up to Easter. Click on the links below to read Parts 1,2,3.
Journaling
“I opened to my beloved, but my beloved had turned and gone. My soul failed me when he spoke. I sought him, but found him not; I called him, but he gave no answer. The watchmen found me as they went about in the city; they beat me, they bruised me, they took away my veil, those watchmen of the walls. I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, if you find my beloved, that you tell him I am sick with love.” – Song of Solomon 5:6-8
I was sick and heartbroken. There was just so much going on within me that I couldn’t bear keeping it all inside, so I began to write. I bought a journal and started writing down all of my prayers and thoughts. When I couldn’t think of anything to pray about I would write bible verses. Giving up the habit of writing was not an option, because I knew it would serve me well when I needed it.
I would look to connect with the heart of God. I confessed my sin to God in my journal and then I would write “FORGIVEN” over every sin. It was a reminder to me that the old man was dying, but the new man was alive. I would pour my heart out to God in tear soaked pages to save my marriage, to reconcile us.
Through that next year and a half, I would have many ups and down. Sometimes I had great confidence in what was happening in my life. Mostly though, I was in a great cloud of unknown. Journaling was my faith written in a book.
Solitude
“But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed.” – Luke 5:16
I began the practice of solitude. I mentioned before that it was easy to paper over my deficiencies. It was easy because there were so many life distractions that sometimes the deeper things in life can get skipped over in favor of the shallow. Others are very gracious with our faults, but sometimes too gracious. When I was alone. It was just me, myself, and I. God had a way of exposing me when my only company was myself.
Because the old way of living led to ruin, I thought, just maybe I should try something different. I was NOT an outdoors person at all, but that was the old way. So now I was an outdoors person, or I was going to at least force myself to be one. So I bought a bunch of camping gear and went into the woods, and over time I saw myself transform from one thing into another. If I could do this with camping, could I do this with my soul?
Bible Study -Song of Solomon
I attended a single guys bible study that year. And what better book of the bible to study while going through a painful divorce than the book on love, Song of Solomon. If you can’t tell, my words drip thickly with sarcasm. This was a TERRIBLE book to study! WHY would God put me through this?! Whatever. If this is what he wants, then fine, but I am certainly going to let him know about it in my journal!
And so for about 8 weeks or so I would meet with a group of guys at Joel’s house and watch Matt Chandler’s videos, called Mingling of Souls. And for 8 weeks or so, I suffered. I’m not even kidding. Each week and every week, Matt Chandler exposed my past. I saw every thing I had done wrong in marriage. I saw all of the good things I should have been doing. Each week, God would swing that ax, and chop, cut, cut, slice, chop. I was beat up and broken, naked and exposed before these men, and before God.
I thought these 8 weeks were one big told you so about my failed marriage, but on the last week. everything changed.
The lover and beloved had been singing back and forth, wrapped up in intimate love. Their words filled with colorful prose. It was the intimacy that had drawn me to God in the first place, and now seemed so far away. It was the intimacy that I had failed to develop and nurture in marriage. This was the love that Solomon had written of in his song of songs, the great love song ever to be written. Until, it wasn’t.
Ahava
“Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm, for love is strong as death, jealousy is fierce as the grave. Its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the Lord. Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it.” – Song of Solomon 8:6-7
When we hit this verse, I saw that this was not intimate love. Death, grave,fire, flood. This love was different.
At the battle of the Alamo, about 250 Texans held their ground against an overwhelming force of 1800 Mexican soldiers. Over the course of 13 days, the Mexican army besieged this small band of Texans who refused to give up ground. They would all die.
Why? Why would they not give up in the face of overwhelming defeat and death? The answer is love. Love, but not intimate love. Their resolve was unbreakable because of “Ahava” love. A love that bunkers down, commits to the cause greater than itself, and endures all opposition even to the point of death. It is the unfailing love, and THIS is the word Solomon used when he said “Set me a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm, for (AHAVA) love is strong as death….”
And then it hit me. The last 8 weeks were not about me and my estranged wife and our failed marriage. The last 8 weeks were about God and my estranged heart from him. In that moment, God spoke to me. “I love you, and I’m not going anywhere.” God had set a seal of love upon my heart reaffirming his commitment to me, a commitment so strong, it’s jealousy so fierce, that it cost his one and only son his life. My heart filled to overflowing. What if intimate love fades if not defended by an ahava, commited love?
And so, God in that moment, revealed to me how he defended his love. God gave his son, Jesus, so that God, HIMSELF, could stay in relationship with me. God raised Christ from the dead 3 days later, so that I could have new life, a new Tony.
My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. – Galatians 2:20
Thank you all so much for reading my blog. This is the end of this blog series, but it’s not the end of my blogs! I’m going to keep writing. If you want updates when I post a new blog, please subscribe with your email address.
As always, I would love to hear your comments as well.
Have a Happy Easter! He is Risen!