Forgiveness has been on my mind.

Forgiveness is the “should” that we ought to do but many times is the “can’t”.  “I know I should forgive, but I just can’t.”  For those of us most hurt and most wronged, it can even be a “won’t”.  “I won’t ever forgive for what you did.”  It’s a sensitive, weighty subject and so I don’t want to treat it lightly.  So I just want to start with a few thoughts and see where it goes.

I mentioned several months ago that there was a Man that I Hated Most and I talked about what he did to make me hate him so much.  Simply put, he did something wrong and unjust, and I was the receiver of his actions or suffered the consequences of his actions.  There is no need to forgive, if no injustice has been done.

You’ve been there, I’m sure of it.  You’ve been on the receiving end of injustice, or someone has hurt you, or you’ve been treated unfairly.

What Do You Do When You’ve Been Wronged?

• Fight Back.  You could fight back and exact revenge on the one who wronged you.  As they say, “An eye for an eye.”
• Pray for Karma.  You could watch and wait for karma to strike back, and hopefully the other person will get their comeuppance.
• Be a door mat.  Just forget it ever happened and bury it under the rug.  Keep your head down and hope it doesn’t happen again.
• Take it out on someone else.  The restaurant manager didn’t honor my expired coupon, so I guess I’m just not going to tip.
• Hold the debt.  You hold the debt, so you hold the power.  You can make them do what you want, because they now feel forever guilty.

The Problem of Unforgiveness

Choose You Own Adventure

Have you ever read a “Choose Your Own Adventure” story?  I used to love these when I was younger.  All of the stories I remember reading had me as the main character of the story.  And it really felt like I was in the story and on an adventure.  I could read the same book several times and get a different story each time.  The best part was that I got to have a say in which story I got to be a part of.

Here was the problem I ran into, though, when I read these books.  I often times would get caught in a loop in the story and read the same part over again that I just read a few chapters ago.  There was a pattern to my choices and inevitably I would choose the same things and go back yet again.

When I kept going back to an old part of the story, my story never progressed.  I would be stuck

Getting Stuck

So there I was reliving the same thing that happened years ago.  My dad forgot my birthday when I was 8, and here I am at 20 “forgiving” but never forgetting my dad missing my birthday.  And I’m stuck.  My relationship with my dad is the same as it was when I was 8.

Actually it was worse, because now I know how to seek revenge, silent revenge.  His desire was for closeness, but I will only give him a cold distance on the phone.  Maybe I’ll just forget his birthday, or maybe I’ll not answer the phone when he calls on this birthday.  That will show him.

I was acting out 8 year old emotions as a 20 year old young man, because I was hurt and wronged.  I was stuck because of my unforgiveness and my story was going nowhere.

The Problem of Forgiveness

You Can’t Unring a Bell

Forgiveness many times is EXTREMELY difficult.  Sometimes the wounds inflicted upon you are so egregious, it seems as if it will take a lifetime to heal, maybe longer.  Sometimes you want to forgive, but you simply can’t.  You try to forgive, but you can’t forget, and so you don’t forgive.  The stench of injustice lingers.  The pain of hurt continues to throb.

Sure, they’ve paid their fine, or served their time in prison, or laid themselves at your feet.  But none of that will bring bring back your sister, it won’t bring back the moment you missed with your son, it won’t take the scars on your arm away.  The bell has been rung and you can still here it.  Nothing can unring that bell.

Side Story – The other day, my wife looked at my arm. and asked “Did something bite you?”  I gave her some serious side eye until she asked “What?”  I said, these are scars from when you scratched me in a fight.  (Side story to the side story – We were both being MEGA buttholes.)  She was silent for a moment and then asked, “Have we forgiven each other for that?”  I affirmed her, yes, we had forgiven one another.  My side eye was more of a joke.  I’ll probably carry the scars for the rest of my life, but she can’t unscratch me and I can’t unyell at her.  So we forgive one another because, yeah, that happened, but there is a marriage for us to build, and better versions of us lie ahead but we’ll never get there stewing on the past.

Freedom in Forgiveness

This is where you and I run into the problem of what we think forgiveness is.  We have such a hard time with forgiveness because we demand the impossible.  Here is the key to forgiveness.

Free the other person from having to do the impossible.  Free them from having to unring the bell.  In doing so, we release ourselves from the chains of bitterness that bind us to the past.  We free ourselves move forward in our story, to get out of the “Choose Your Own Adventure” loop.

My Encouragement To You

There’s a reason our windshield is far larger than our rear view mirror.  So let’s throw off the unforgiveness of the past that entangles us, and let’s move forward together in our stories.  Let’s be about our present and work towards being the best version of ourselves and living life to the full.

What are your thoughts on forgiveness? Have you ever had a hard time forgiving?  Am I missing something?

Add to the discuss and leave a comment here or on my Facebook page .  I know that forgiveness is a topic with a lot of depth, and I would love to hear from you!

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