Sitting in the back of a police cruiser
Here I was sitting in the back of a police cruiser. The flashing lights lit up the small East Cobb neighborhood just off of Shallowford Rd. It was night time and the blues and reds gave outline to my car sitting several yards in front of the cop car. One of my students was sitting on some stranger’s lawn talking with the police officer. My student, Stephen, of whom I am supposed to be a leader, drops his head. The police officer turns around and starts to walk toward the car. Stephen looks around the officer and mouths these words to me, “You’re going to jail.”
Youth Leader
Youth Leader was a title I wore with pride. A fine upstanding citizen who gives back to the community and serves God by leading and serving youth. To tell the truth, I loved serving in ministry, particularly with you, and to some extent, I was good at it. I had a job at the time that required me to travel, but I was able to decide my schedule, and if I was working, I was gone. If I was not working, then I was home, volunteering with the youth. I put every hour I could into that ministry.
I spent nearly every evening with a group from church. There was no end to the different events or video game sessions that we could attend. I spent a lot of time with Stephen. He was smart, incredibly smart, and also incredibly jaded. He was the youngest in his family, and was 10 years or more younger than any of his other siblings. You guessed it, he was a surprise. His parents had really moved on, so instead of loving and caring for Stephen, they gave him whatever he wanted. From what I could tell, he hated it, but he didn’t really want to say no to the stuff either.
Driving Too Fast
I don’t remember anything about that day except until that moment. It was evening and we were heading to Crabs’ house. Stephen’s nickname was Crabs, which he hated. I think he got it along the way from elementary to middle school because he was the only one who had come from Crabapple middle school. Anyway, we were driving to his house, most likely to play WWE wrestling on the Nintendo 64. I was the all time champion with my wrestling character Lair, and Stephen was always partnering up with someone and then betraying them. Usually hilariously and frustratingly.
Back to driving. We were driving, likely from church, to Stephen’s house. I think we were listening to Weezer’s new album in the car. I drove a black Acura Integra GSR. This was my second Integra, but my third car, after the Pontiac Sunbird. Unlike the Sunbird, it had a radio, AC, a complete paintjob, carpet, a non sagging roof, and it was cool, and it was fast. On this occasion, too fast.
The speed limit on this road was probably 40-45 mph, and I was probably doing 60. It didn’t feel unsafe, but it was definitely breaking the law. I came over a hill and coming the other way was a cop. I immediately said, “Oh Crap! Is he turning around?” I knew I was caught, and that I was going to get a ticket, but maybe, just maybe, he had more important business to attend to. Nope, he didn’t. Stephen said, “Dude, he’s turning around.” And then he said those words that would change everything that evening.
Quick! Turn Here!
“Quick! Turn Here!” In a split second, I could slow down, let the cop get to a break in the divided road, turn around, and catch up with me…OR, I could make this turn, and hope that it would take him just long enough to turn around, that by the time he did and caught up, he wouldn’t have seen me turn and I would be in the clear. It seems to me that any decision that involves integrity and character should be made ahead of time, because if it is made in the moment, the pressure can overwhelm our senses. In this moment, I had not decided ahead of time, so I turned.
I turned, fast. I turned, flipped off my lights, and hit the accelerator. My little car was fast, and it was particularly fast around curves. This road had a lot of curves, and it was a rush to hide from the cops, and drive fast on a road like this. This is the stuff of movies! Adrenaline pumping through my body as I drive, and then I hit a red light and I have another decision to make. Do I turn, or do I wait? Smug, I say to Stephen, “I think we are OK, I don’t think he saw us turn.” I turn up the radio, turn on my headlights, and sit at the red light.
woooo, woooOOOO, WWOOOOOOO. My heart sinks. The police car is now right behind me, but it just sits. No lights. I play it cool, hoping that maybe he doesn’t remember the car he was after. The light turns green, and I pull out into the intersection. “Woop Woop.” “Crap.” He didn’t forget. I’m caught. I pull onto a side street and I wait, knowing that I’m about to get a ticket.
Please Step Out Of The Vehicle
“Would you please step out of the vehicle.” My heart sinks again. This is bad. I get out of my car, and the officer escorts me to the back of the police cruiser and shuts the door. No handcuffs, but also, I’m stuck. He asks me a few questions.
“Do you have any pot?”
“No Sir”.
“Why did you run from me”
“I didn’t run sir”
“Where are you going?”
I began lying to cop. He kept asking questions, and I needed reasons for why we were on this road. I lied to a cop, I’m ashamed to even write it.
The police officer goes back and for a few times between me and Stephen, until finally he comes back to me, and Stephen mouths “You’re going to jail”. Maybe it was that reality that shook me enough to begin telling the truth.
“Officer, I’ve been lying to you”
The officer, stopped his writing and lifted his head. “Really, what about?”
I began to explain to him that I wasn’t running from him, or else I would have turned at that red light, but that I was just hoping he didn’t see me. I told him we were heading to Stephen’s house, I told him that I was speeding, and turned down this road, and that I was just trying to get out of a ticket, and that I was sorry for lying to him.
He let me go. I was relieved, but I received three tickets that evening. Speeding, too fast for conditions, and reckless driving. Stephen got back in the car and I dropped him off at his house and then I drove home.
Loss of Leadership
Word of this event spread fast around church. I had to explain the story several times to many different people. Through gossip and basic “telephone” storytelling, the word was that I had been arrested and spent the night in jail. This wasn’t true, but at any rate, I had messed up, big time.
In a moment, I had lost years of building trust and influence with students, parents, and other volunteers. I don’t know how I was able to continue to serve, but I did, but it wasn’t the same. I was too casual with the responsibility and gift of leadership, and now it was gone. I had students spit on my car and ruin the paint, I had parents that wouldn’t talk to me.
The weight of what I did never fully hit me until years later upon reflection. The trust of a parent given to you in leading and caring for their child is not handed out easily. I had betrayed that trust.
Forgiveness and Grace in Mexico
A couple years later, the youth had the opportunity to go to Tecate, Mexico on a mission trip to build houses. I went with them as a leader. Like I said, I don’t know how I was able to continue to lead except for the grace of our youth pastor, Matt. In Mexico, we played with children, did bible studies, and helped build a house.
Toward the end of the trip, we attended a church service at Saddleback. After the service was over and while we were walking in the parking lot, Mama Blaun, one of the parents and volunteers, came up to me. She got a lot of things off her chest about all of the things that she felt because of my incident. She was wrong about me being arrested, but she was right about everything else. Then she said that she saw how I loved the students and served them. She saw how hard I worked and the effort I had put in, not only on this trip, but since the incident as well. And then she gave me a gift. “Tony, I forgive you.” It was in that moment that she restored me. It wasn’t an offer of full trust, but it was an offer of beginning to trust again.
I made a lot of mistakes in leadership. I’ve never recovered from some. For each one, it is an ache on my soul, but to hear “I forgive you” and to be given an extension of grace is a treasure. It gives the freedom to do better, to be better. I don’t deserve it, but I strive to honor it.